Why a blog?

3/2/2015

Why a blog?

I’ve never kept a journal.  The thought of putting my thoughts on paper (or on the internet) is scary because it makes them real.  But I am ready to leap out of my comfort zone, or I hope I am. So here it goes, my story. I can not promise my punctuation will be correct, I have always excelled at science and math, not writing.  I can promise I will be honest about this whole journey.

I have fallen into a routine. I own a house, a car, have two cats and a husband.  Most of the time I find this comforting, but recently I have felt suffocated by the thought that this might be it. I’m a huge fan of the artist Regina Spector.  She sings a song titled “Small Town Moon.”  In it she sings “Today we’re younger than we’re ever gonna be.” That lyric haunts me.  It repeats over and over in my head challenging me to live a fuller life. Its never too late to make changes in your life, although it is certainly much easier when you are younger and not used to a routine. I’ve accepted the challenge and am going on an adventure of sorts.  I have signed up through Ubelong to volunteer in Cambodia for three weeks this summer.  I paid my admission and bought a ticket from GSP to BKK. Its happening, and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything else. What do I pack?  Where will I be living? What will it be like? It is not like I haven’t been out of the country. I have been to Australia, Peru, Germany, France, Luxembourg, Italy, El Salvador, etc.  But this is different.  Cambodia is a poor nation with a sordid history.  Just search “Cambodian Genocide” and you can learn about the country’s not so distant past. I will not be a tourist, I intend to integrate myself into the community and do whatever is asked of me. This is exciting and terrifying.

When I was younger, I prided myself on being flexible.  I wanted to be the girl who was always up for a challenge, someone who could keep up.  I loved the school trips to the ropes course. When I went off to college I participated in the outdoor experience that introduced incoming freshmen to some of their future classmates.  On this trip we went white water rafting. I thrived on these experiences. I went with the flow and didn’t worry too much about what other people thought about it. I felt alive. What happened to that fearless, adaptable girl?  She graduated, got a job-teaching full time and became what she thought she should be. She got married to her college sweetheart. She bought a car and a house in the suburbs. She got used to hot showers, fancy meals out, nice clothes and 800 thread count sheets (a gift from my very generous in-laws). Everything I do is scheduled. I keep sixteen color-coordinated calendars in iCloud, which are synced, to my iPhone, iPad and Macbook Pro (I used to work for Apple and got a pretty good discount). If its not in the calendar or on a list of things to do, it doesn’t happen. Its not that I don’t enjoy and appreciate the life I have, I just thought I would be something else. I want to be adventurous, brave, and independent. I have been feeling unfulfilled for quite some time. I feel empowered that I am finally trying to do something about it. I feel nervous that I am not that girl anymore and that I won’t be able to get her back. If I am going to be completely honest, and I promised you I would, I’m worried if I do find her she won’t fit in to the life that she is currently living and even more terrifying she won’t want to.

So what are you in for if you decide to keep up with my blog?  I don’t really know.  I’m not sure what will happen.  When I read blogs in preparation for my trip they were either all facts; where to go, what to visit, how much things cost. Or they were all feelings. I want to include both. I’ll tell you about the process leading up to my trip and how I am feeling during each step. I’ll talk to you informally, like a friend. Once I arrive, I’ll keep you updated on my day to day.